Begin each day…

 

“Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil. But for my part, I have long perceived the nature of good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine); therefore, none of those things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading. Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of him; for he and I were born to work together, like a man’s two hands, feet, or eyelids, or the upper and lower rows of his teeth. To obstruct each other is against Nature’s law – and what is irritation or aversion but a form of obstruction.”

When was I last happy? I probably cannot remember. I mean, sure, I was happy for others. I was happy when people got promotions at work. I felt happy when people bought bikes they liked and went on rides to places far and wide. But do I remember celebrating myself? Do I recollect celebrating my success? It seems like a distant lifetime when I was blessed with success. There were patents filed. I was doing great work. I was given a promotion and a raise without being asked. It all seems like a dream. A pleasant dream. Everyone is setting me up for failure. It seems everyone wants me to crash and burn. And by everyone, I mean not just the devilish fiends I meet outside my house. This holds true for my close circle. They are neither close nor a circle! 

No matter what I do, nothing seems enough.  I am always the villain in my story. I am always the joker in my Gotham City. Not only is my body ravaged by disease, my mind suffers unbearable tortures from people who profess to be close to me! No wonder my health seems to be going downhill. How did god give me such enemies as my family? The people speak with a forked tongue. With their mouths, they chant Vedanta, but they stab me in the back with their knives. I must have been very wicked in my previous lifetimes to suffer endlessly at the hands of such devilish fiends who call themselves my family. Why am I even here? What is the reason for me to exist? Why am I even doing what I do? It all seems meaningless.

I think Marcus Aurelius was right when he said to begin each day with the expectation that the people you meet are people bereft of gratitude and empathy. Why expect anything from anyone at all?  It is 12:30 a.m. and yet sleep eludes me! I did not sleep in the afternoon. Nor did I sleep properly last night . If this is not Hades’ realm, then what is? The body suffers without respite, and the mind suffers more. The soul is starved for nourishment.  I see darkness everywhere. Of what use is showing empathy to people? Of what use are the sacrifices one makes if they count for nothing? Of what use is following Dharma? Looks like the entire religion of Sanathana is based on a lie! Dharma does not protect. It hasn’t protected me. I do not foresee it protecting me either! Probably, Abrahamic religions are much better. Have I been living my life wrongly? Why care so much for other people when they do not give two hoots about you? Everyone is in your life because they can get something out of you. The moment you cannot provide that, you will be discarded like wastepaper! I am completely disillusioned with life! There is no point in clinging to hope!